Parenting Perspective 

When a child apologises but then repeats a hurtful action, the cause is rarely defiance alone. This pattern often signals underdeveloped skills, poor impulse control, or the use of an apology as a quick escape from discomfort. Your objective is to maintain compassion while making responsibility a concrete and unavoidable step. 

Begin by identifying the pattern without shaming the child. You might say, ‘You say sorry, but then the same thing happens again. My goal is to help you change the behaviour, not just apologise for it’. This approach reframes the situation from a moral failing to an opportunity for skill development, where love remains firm and boundaries stay clear. 

Separate Apology from Action 

View the apology as the beginning of a process, not the conclusion. Calmly connect the words ‘sorry’ to a specific action that repairs the harm done and reduces the likelihood of it happening again. For instance, if unkind words were used, the repair could involve a kind gesture and a plan for using different words next time. If a rule about electronic devices was broken, the consequence might be a reset of access privileges and a practical check-in. Through this, children learn that an apology without a genuine effort to change is incomplete. 

Establish Clear Guardrails 

Replace vague promises with one or two small, trackable commitments. Short, simple scripts can be very effective: ‘Next time, I will pause and breathe before I speak’, or ‘I will move away for five minutes when I feel upset’. Pair each commitment with an observable cue and a natural consequence. The tone remains calm because the plan is clear, and the child understands that your goal is not to catch them making a mistake but to help them succeed. 

Practise New Habits Calmly 

The cycle of repetition is broken when new behaviours are rehearsed during calm moments. Practise the alternative behaviour in short, thirty-second intervals and praise the effort and precision shown. You could keep a light and visual record, such as a small card with the child’s chosen cue and response written on it. Review this together at a set time each day, not in the heat of a conflict. This makes progress visible and helps confidence to grow. 

Complete the Repair Cycle 

Every repeated harm should still be followed by a meaningful repair that fits the impact of the action. This process should conclude with a short expression of gratitude once the relationship is restored. The child learns that true strength is not found in arguing about a past mistake, but in the ability to change one’s next action. Over weeks, this rhythm helps to convert a simple ‘sorry’ into sincere repentance, and sincerity into reliable self-control. 

Spiritual Insight 

You can set a gentle intention aloud by saying, ‘We want Allah Almighty to love how we change our behaviour after we say we are sorry’. Teach your child that Islam honours sincere repentance, which involves turning away from the negative pattern, not just offering words of apology. This places divine guidance at the centre of your efforts. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 135: 

‘…And do not intentionally continue to persist on what (wrong) you have done.’ 

This verse provides the language for your calm plan. You can explain, ‘A believer does not continue doing something they know is wrong. Our plan is here to help you not to persist in this behaviour’. By linking each practical guardrail to this verse, the child can see that their small daily choices are acts of obedience to Allah Almighty. The message is hopeful, not disheartening Allah Almighty welcomes those who turn back and try again with truthfulness. 

To complement this, you can add the Prophetic reassurance that a sincere return is always honoured, even after repeated mistakes, as long as the heart truly turns back. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2758a, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He then again committed a sin and said: “My Lord, forgive me my sin,” and Allah said: “My servant committed a sin and then came to realise that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and takes to account.’ 

Together, the verse and the hadith establish a boundary and open a door. The verse forbids knowingly persisting in wrongdoing, which is why you must insist on concrete change. The hadith shows that when a child sincerely repents, Allah Almighty still forgives, so you must keep the door of mercy open while upholding consequences. After a repair is complete, you can say simply, ‘We do not persist in causing harm, and when we make a mistake, we return quickly and truthfully to Allah Almighty and to each other’. Within this balance of boundaries and hope, apologies can become sincere acts of turning, and repeated harm can slowly give way to steady growth.