Parenting Perspective 

When multiple children contribute to a problem, establishing a proportionate repair is essential for upholding fairness, empathy, and accountability. Without a balanced approach, the louder or more persuasive child can dominate the narrative, leaving the quieter one to be unjustly blamed. The objective is not to assign guilt, but to cultivate a sense of shared ownership rooted in justice and respect. 

A framework for proportionate repair can be established through a structured, transparent approach known as See it, share it, split it, Solve it. This model helps to replace emotional reactivity with clarity and process-based reasoning. 

Structured Steps for Equitable Repair 

• See it – Establishing Facts 

Begin by inviting each child to describe what happened using objective, single-sentence statements, such as: ‘The paints spilled on the carpet.’ Avoid adjectives or bringing up past mistakes. This step establishes a shared factual base and discourages exaggeration. 

• Share it – Identifying Contributions 

Each child then articulates their personal contribution using the sentence stem, ‘My part was…’. For example, one might say, ‘My part was bumping the shelf,’ while the other may say, ‘My part was leaving the paint near the edge.’ This reinforces the understanding that both action and inaction can contribute to an outcome. 

• Split it – Assessing Proportion 

Discuss the level of responsibility calmly. If both parties contributed equally, label it 50–50. If not, allocate proportional shares such as 60–40 or 70–30. The purpose is fairness, not mathematical precision, so avoid over-analysing the details. 

• Solve it – Designing Repair 

Develop an actionable Repair Plan using a pre-agreed Repair Menu, which could include options such as: 

• Time-based repair: Shared tidying, cleaning, or reorganisation. 

• Replacement repair: Contributing financially or materially to replace what was damaged. 

• Help-back repair: Performing a task to compensate for the other’s time or effort. 

• Symbolic repair: Writing a note of apology or a promise of care for next time. 

The proportional split determines the form or duration of each child’s task. For example, a younger child may handle the physical clean-up while an older one contributes towards a replacement item. The goal is balanced responsibility, not identical labour. 

Safeguarding the Process 

The success of proportionate repair depends on maintaining psychological safety and preventing retribution. To achieve this: 

• Forbid piling-on: Once each child states their contribution, halt further commentary with a simple phrase like, ‘Thank you; now we will plan the repair.’ 

• Reject perfectionism: If there is uncertainty between a 50–50 or 60–40 split, proceed with the simpler division. Swift justice is more effective at preventing resentment. 

• Close the matter: Upon completion of the repair, formally announce that the issue is finished by saying, ‘This matter is now closed; we will not bring it up again.’ 

A brief reflective question after the repair, such as, ‘What did we each do right in making it better?’, can consolidate the learning and foster an internalised sense of fairness. 

Application in Emotional Contexts 

If tension escalates during the process, insert a two-minute ‘reset period’ before restarting at the See it stage. If one party refuses to accept accountability, assign a neutral act of community contribution, such as quietly restoring the shared space. This reinforces the non-negotiable principle that repair, not argument, is what resolves harm. 

Ultimately, proportionate repair teaches children that justice is correct, not punitive. It turns moral reasoning into an everyday skill and builds lifelong habits of fairness, empathy, and self-regulation. 

Spiritual Insight 

From an Islamic perspective, proportionate repair exemplifies adl (justice), which is a foundational principal commanding fairness without bias or excess. It is not sufficient merely to acknowledge harm; believers are called to restore balance through measured and equitable action. When children learn to repair only their rightful share, they are practising the divine ethic of justice and mercy. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty; and He (Allah Almighty) offers this enlightened direction so that you continue to realise (the true pathway of Islam).’ 

This verse establishes that justice (adl) must be paired with excellence (ihsan). Parents can explain this by saying, ‘We divide the repair fairly because Allah commands justice, and we complete it kindly because He commands excellence.’ Through this balance, moral action becomes an act of worship, not merely rule-following. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 2341, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.’ 

This hadith reinforces that fairness is what ends cycles of blame. A repair must neutralise the original harm without creating new harm through shaming or overburdening anyone. Parents can thus remind their children: ‘We fix what we caused, but we do not punish each other beyond that. That is how believers act with justice.’ 

A concluding family ritual can reinforce this lesson. After agreeing on the repair, each child may whisper, ‘O Allah, help me to make this right.’ Once the task is complete, the parent may close with, ‘Alhamdulillah, we have repaired this with fairness.’ 

Through such guided structure and spiritual framing, proportionate repair evolves into both a psychological discipline and a spiritual exercise. Children learn that fairness is not a debate but a divine rhythm: weighing one’s actions honestly, carrying only one’s share, and closing each conflict with dignity. In this way, the home becomes a small reflection of the justice that Allah Almighty loves: balanced, compassionate, and free from harm.