Parenting Perspective 

Expressing disappointment is a necessary part of parenting, but it must be handled carefully to avoid harming a child’s self-esteem. The key is to communicate that while a specific action was disappointing, the child themselves is still loved, valued, and capable. This requires separating the behaviour from the child’s identity. 

Focus on the Behaviour, Not the Child 

Your language should make it clear that you are disappointed with an action, not with who your child is as a person. Avoid labels like ‘careless’ or ‘lazy’. Instead of saying, “You are so messy,” try framing the concern around the action: “I am disappointed that the crayons were left on the floor. Let us work together to put them away”. This addresses the behaviour without attacking their character. A simple script can be: ‘I am unhappy with this choice, but I have not lost faith in you’. 

Emphasise Learning and Improvement 

Use moments of disappointment as opportunities for teaching, not shaming. Encourage reflection by shifting the focus to future improvement. Ask collaborative questions like, “What can we do differently next time to avoid this happening again?” This approach invites your child to be part of the solution and fosters resilience. It frames the mistake not as a failure, but as a chance for growth. 

Preserve the Emotional Connection 

After you have addressed the behaviour, it is crucial to reinforce your love and support. A gentle touch, warm eye contact, or an affirming statement can make all the difference. Reassure them with words like, “This was a mistake, but it does not change how much I love you”. This confirms that your disappointment is temporary and specific to the action, while your love and belief in them are constant. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that all guidance and correction should be delivered with wisdom and care, with the aim of uplifting the soul, not harming it. This principle is a cornerstone of compassionate and effective parenting. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you…’ 

This verse is a powerful reminder to parents that a gentle and merciful approach strengthens family bonds and encourages cooperation. Harshness, in contrast, creates distance and fear. When expressing disappointment, a lenient and loving tone is more likely to inspire positive change. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.’ 

True strength in parenting is not shown through powerful reprimands, but through self-control in moments of frustration. By managing your own emotions and expressing disappointment with empathy, you model the very character you wish to see in your children. This preserves their dignity and self-worth, nurturing individuals who understand accountability because they feel loved and valued.