Parenting Perspective 

When a child says, “I did it because I was angry” or “I could not help it, I was embarrassed,” they are half-owning the problem. The fact is admitted, but the responsibility is outsourced to the emotion. Your goal is to validate feelings while making choices accountable. Calmly reflect back: “Your feeling makes sense. Your choice still belongs to you.” This separates emotion from action without shaming either. 

Name the Pattern, Split the Problem 

Use clear language to define the situation: “Two things happened. 1) A real feeling. 2) A hurtful choice. We will care for the feeling and repair the choice.” This framing shows you are not dismissing their emotion, yet you will not let it drive unacceptable behaviour. 

The 2×2 Skill: Feel It. Choose It. 

Teach a simple micro-routine to use when feelings are intense. Practise this when the child is calm so the routine is available when the heat rises. 

1. Notice the feeling: “Name it in your head: angry, jealous, or cornered.” 

2. Normalise it: “Feelings are signals, not commands; it is okay to feel them.” 

3. Pick a safe action: “Breathe, step away, sip water, or ask for time.” 

4. Repair where needed: “If a line was crossed, we make it right.” 

Convert Blame into Ownership with Scripts 

Offer sentence stems that help them maintain dignity and agency when explaining their actions: 

• “I felt…, and I chose…” 

• “Next time, when I feel…, I will… instead.” 

• “My feeling was loud; my choice is mine.” 

Rehearse mini-dialogues to build fluency: 

• Parent: “What were you feeling?” 

• Child: “Jealous.” 

• Parent: “What did you choose?” 

• Child: “I hid her pencil.” 

• Parent: “Plan for next time?” 

• Child: “Tell you I am jealous and take a break.” 

Tie Consequence to Choice, Support to Feeling 

Keep consequences proportional and specific to the action (e.g., return the item, write an apology, give time back). Provide support to the emotion (e.g., a walk, journalling, problem-solving later). Say, “Consequences teach hands, comfort heals hearts.” Children learn that both parts matter. 

Build Emotional Strength Like a Muscle 

Schedule small challenges to build self-control. For anger, practise pause-breath-choose with a thirty-second sand timer. For shame, practise a one-line correction in a mirror: “I exaggerated. The true part is…” For envy, practise gratitude naming and a tiny generous act. Strength grows through repetition, not speeches. 

When they relapse, treat it as data. Say, “The feeling beat the skill this time. We will shorten the gap next time.” Rehearse the 2×2 again, tighten guard rails briefly, and review in forty-eight hours. Your steadiness teaches that agency is always retrievable. 

Close warmly: “Your feelings are welcome here. Your choices are yours to steer. I am here to help you do both.” This balances compassion with responsibility and keeps the child engaged in growth rather than trapped in defence. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam recognises powerful inner tides while calling the believer to mastery and mercy. Emotions are real, but they are not rulers. Training a child to own both heart and hand is spiritual education in miniature. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shams (91), Verses 7–10: 

‘And by the soul and how it is designed (for infusion into the body); thus, We (Allah Almighty) have designed (the soul with discretion) for wickedness and piety. Without any doubt success is for the one who developed purity (of the self), and indeed, failure is for the one who embraces (the darkness of ignorance and immorality).’ 

This reminds us that impulses exist, yet success lies in tazkiyah—steering the soul toward what pleases Allah Almighty. You can tell your child, “Feeling angry is real. Choosing harm is not inevitable. Strength is purifying the choice.” 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 6116, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A man said to the Prophet ﷺ, “Advise me.” He said, “Do not become angry.” He repeated (his request) several times, and he said, “Do not become angry.’ 

Scholars explain this as mastering the responses of anger. Teach, “Islam does not deny feelings. It disciplines what follows them.” Link your 2×2 routine to ihsan: acting as if Allah sees, even in heated moments. 

Invite a short practice after any lapse: two deep breaths, a one-line truth (“I felt… I chose…”), a repair step, and a quiet dua, “O Allah, settle my heart and guide my choice.” Over time, the child learns that sincerity is not being unfeeling but being responsible. Under Allah Almighty’s gaze, feelings are honoured as signs, and choices are offered as worship. In that balance, blame gives way to ownership, and growth replaces guilt.