Parenting Perspective 

Comparisons are common in blended families because rooms and routines often become symbols of belonging. It is important to begin by steadying emotions and naming what is happening without blame: ‘It sounds like the room sizes and privileges feel unequal. Let us look at this fairly and kindly.’ When children feel heard, they become more open to finding solutions. 

Map the landscape, not the blame 

Invite each child to share one concrete frustration and one wish. Help translate vague complaints into specifics, such as, ‘Your bed feels small compared to hers,’ or, ‘You would like more turns choosing the weekend activities.’ Capturing these points on a single page helps to focus on facts, which can reduce rivalry. 

Establish a ‘one-home fairness’ policy 

Explain that fairness means applying clear criteria, not necessarily achieving identical outcomes. State three guiding principles: safety first, needs next, and effort always rewarded. For example, a desk may be given to the child who regularly studies there, while fragile decor is kept in the room of the child who can care for it reliably. 

Create a transparent privileges matrix 

List key privileges on a chart, such as bedtime, device time, chore swaps, and hosting friends. Next to each item, note the basis for it, whether it is an age bracket, completed responsibilities, or a shared rotation. Posting this privileges chart in a common area helps to increase transparency and lower suspicion. 

Balance rooms with what you can change 

Some differences, such as room size, are structural and cannot be changed. You can offset these with portable benefits, like a quality mattress topper, better task lighting, a fold-down wall desk, or a cosy rug. Allow each child to choose one ‘signature item’ for their room within a set budget to foster a sense of ownership. 

Institute equal rituals of belonging 

Even when spaces differ, the feeling of connection can be equal. Protect one-to-one parent time with each child weekly, rotate ‘family captain’ duties on weekends, and maintain a shared ‘memory shelf’ in a communal area where each child can display an object that is special to them. These rituals reassure a child’s heart that they are wanted. 

Teach comparison-safe language 

Offer children scripts that can help lower the emotional intensity of these conversations. 

• ‘I feel left out when my room looks plain. Can I have one thing to help personalise it?’ 

• ‘I would like to have the later bedtime once I show three weeks of being on time in the mornings.’ 

Rehearse using a calm tone and praise any respectful ask. 

Repair in the moment, plan for later 

If a comparison becomes sharp, pause the conversation and reinforce your family values: ‘In this family, we speak without put-downs.’ You can revisit the issue later with the matrix and budget in hand. Ensure that consequences are related to behaviour, not to family history or roles. 

Align the adults, then inform the children 

Agree privately with your co-parent on budgets, criteria, and the language you will use. Present decisions together and be brief. Consistent adult leadership reduces the chances of children trying to find loopholes or play one parent against the other. 

Spiritual Insight 

Blended families can thrive when justice and warmth are combined. Islam asks us to uphold both: measured fairness in our decisions and generous love in our daily manners. You can explain to your children that Allah Almighty sees every effort to be fair, and He multiplies barakah when homes choose to implement justice with gentleness. 

Qur’anic lens: justice with ihsan 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verses 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

This verse can provide the backbone for your family policy. Justice means you explain the ‘why’ behind privileges and maintain consistent criteria. Ihsan (good conduct) means you add kindness where exact equality is not possible, such as through a thoughtful upgrade or extra parent time. Linking your rules to this verse can soften hearts and steady decisions. 

Prophetic guidance: fairness among children 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just with your children.’ 

Use this hadith as a family motto and consider placing it on the privileges chart. Explain that ‘being just’ includes being truthful about space limitations, keeping promises about upgrades, and quickly correcting any favouritism. You can invite each child to make a small dua before family meetings, asking Allah Almighty for pure intentions and cooperative speech. 

You can end by choosing one practical step this week for each child: a budgeted personalisation for their room, a clear pathway to a desired privilege, and a protected pocket of parent time. Close the discussion with gratitude for every child’s presence in the home. When fairness is explained, kindness is visible, and love is shared purposefully, comparisons lose their power, and a blended family can grow in trust, ease, and barakah.