Parenting Perspective 

When a child exclaims, ‘It is not fair!’, they are rarely demanding perfect equality. Instead, they are expressing hurt, frustration, or confusion about the limits they are facing. The instinct to respond with logic or correction, such as saying ‘Life is not fair,’ often closes the door to empathy and leaves them feeling unseen. Instead of lecturing, treat this phrase as an emotional signal that something inside your child needs recognition before reason. 

Acknowledge Emotion Before Explaining Logic 

Children cannot absorb reasoning when they feel they have been wronged. It is essential to address their emotion first and provide a logical explanation second. Begin by acknowledging their perception: ‘It must feel unfair that your brother got to go first.’ This simple reflection validates their feeling without agreeing with their judgement. Once they feel heard, you can gently provide context: ‘Yes, he went first today because you chose last time.’ When an explanation of fairness follows validation, it becomes easier for a child to accept. This approach teaches that fairness is not about sameness, but about balance over time. 

Use Real Examples to Build Perspective 

Instead of using abstract explanations, point to visible fairness in your family routines, such as taking turns choosing meals, sharing responsibilities, or alternating privileges. Help them see fairness as a living rhythm, not a rigid rule. You could even create a simple ‘turn tracker’ or rotation chart, which gives fairness structure and predictability. This can prevent repeated debates and transforms the idea of fairness from an emotional reaction into a clear understanding. 

Teach That Fairness Includes Mercy and Flexibility 

Children often equate fairness with strict equality, but mercy, compassion, and individual needs are also forms of fairness. Explain that sometimes you make different choices because people need different things at different times. For example: ‘Your sister went first today because she is younger and is still learning patience. That is also fair, because fairness means giving what is needed.’ This lesson nurtures empathy, helping your child to celebrate a type of fairness that includes care, not just sameness. 

Model Calm Authority Without Debate 

Lecturing often invites defensiveness, but calm repetition builds trust. Avoid phrases like ‘That is enough’ or ‘Stop complaining.’ Instead, calmly restate your reasoning and move forward. Children learn about fairness most powerfully by watching how you handle unfairness yourself: with patience, steadiness, and kindness. Responding to ‘It is not fair’ without lecturing means shifting from winning an argument to teaching emotional wisdom. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teaching offers a balanced vision of fairness: justice rooted in mercy. Allah Almighty, the Most Just (Al Adl), reminds us that fairness is not mechanical equality but a wise proportion, giving everyone what they deserve or need. When a child learns that fairness includes both justice and compassion, they begin to see the world not as a place divided between ‘winners and losers’, but as a place guided by divine wisdom. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

This verse beautifully unites justice (adl) and kindness (ihsan). Teaching your child this balance helps them understand that fairness does not always mean identical outcomes but means doing what is right and compassionate in each situation. Parents embody this principle when they act justly yet gently, showing that love guides all their decisions. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 3544, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Be just between your children, and be just between your sons and daughters.’ 

The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ upheld fairness as a core family value but always practised it with tenderness and insight. He balanced equality with an understanding of each person’s unique circumstances. By modelling calm fairness, parents mirror his example of being firm yet merciful. 

When your child protests, ‘It is not fair!’, respond not with a lecture but with presence. Let your approach reflect justice with softness, reason with empathy, and authority with warmth. Through this, your child learns that fairness is not about getting the same as others, but about trusting that they will always receive what is right, guided by love and by the perfect justice of Allah Almighty.