Parenting Perspective 

Children who exclusively link affirmation to success begin to equate parental approval with achievement. They can develop the belief that love and recognition must be consistently earned through a standard of perfection. Over time, this psychological framework can manifest as anxiety, hesitation to attempt novel ventures, and pronounced discouragement when facing failure. The critical goal for parents is to intentionally decouple praise from outcomes and help their children feel truly seen for the journey of striving, rather than solely for the final result. 

Reframing What Counts as ‘Worthy’ 

Start by praising core qualities that exist and are observable regardless of the outcome of a task, such as patience, courage, honesty, or curiosity. For instance, instead of saying, ‘You achieved full marks, well done,’ you could thoughtfully say, ‘I noticed how you stayed perfectly calm while revising, even when the material was tough.’ This vital shift transforms praise from mere conditional approval into genuine emotional recognition. Your child learns that their value resides in who they are actively becoming, not solely in what they manage to achieve. 

Normalising Setbacks 

When your child experiences a setback or an unmet goal, it is crucial to treat it as a natural, expected part of the learning process, not a disappointment. Use steady, encouraging words such as: 

• ‘This did not go precisely as you planned, but I am extremely proud of how you are reflecting on the experience.’ 

• ‘You are actively learning what works and what does not work. That process itself is growth.’ 

• ‘Your effort is valuable and it matters greatly, even when the immediate result feels small.’ 

These measured phrases actively build resilience. They reinforce the fundamental truth that a child’s inherent worth is stable and does not fluctuate based on fleeting success or difficulty. 

Showing Equal Warmth After Both Outcomes 

Children subtly and subconsciously study your facial expressions. If your smile is significantly brighter and your excitement greater only when they succeed, they will instinctively start chasing that distinct emotional reward. Endeavour to maintain the same calm tone and consistent affection whether the outcome is success or struggle. A gentle hand on their shoulder, a calm smile, or simply a steady, present composure after a setback shows them unequivocally that your connection is not conditional and is not tied to their performance. 

Using Praise as Feedback, Not Fuel 

Praise should fundamentally serve as a mirror, helping your child clearly see which of their efforts were effective, rather than acting as a blinding spotlight that simply feeds their craving for external validation. Instead of saying, ‘You were absolutely amazing!’, try the more constructive, ‘Your planning skills helped you stay highly organised this time.’ This statement is factual, constructive, and squarely focused on their effort. It provides your child with genuine insight rather than empty inflation. 

A powerful micro action: the next time your child shares a result B whether it is deemed good or bad B pause before you respond. Ask a simple, open ended question like, ‘What is the most important thing you learned from this experience?’ This simple act immediately shifts their focus from the outcome to deeper understanding. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a profound emphasis on intention (niyyah) and perseverance, not merely on visible, worldly success. In the eyes of Allah Almighty, the entire journey of sincere striving is as sacred and valuable as any final result. Teaching children this necessary balance nurtures humility, sincerity, and profound contentment with the effort itself. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 195: 

‘Then their Sustainer responded to them, (saying): “Indeed, I shall not let the actions of any labourer amongst you go to waste, whether they are male or female, as some of you are from others (i.e. from the same human race)…”.‘ 

This verse provides deep assurance that no sincere effort ever goes unnoticed by Allah Almighty B even if it does not yield immediate or visible worldly success. When parents remind their children of this divine promise, it helps to soften the sting of unmet goals and substitutes the fleeting hunger for human praise with a stable trust in divine recognition. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 1, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions, and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended.’ 

This Hadith firmly anchors the child’s heart in the purpose of their action, not in the mere perfection of the result. It teaches that Allah Almighty values the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ far more than the ‘what’. When parents thoughtfully reinforce this truth through their daily words B ‘What truly matters is your sincere effort for the sake of Allah Almighty’ B they plant the seeds of resilience, profound humility, and inner peace in their child’s heart. 

Children who grow up hearing such profound language learn that every sincere attempt counts, every perceived failure offers a valuable lesson, and every sincere effort carries unseen blessings. They eventually stop performing for applause and begin striving for true meaning, where effort itself becomes a quiet, continuous act of worship.