Parenting Perspective 

Planned ignoring is a precise tool for shaping behaviour, not neglect.¹ You deliberately withhold attention from low-level, attention-seeking behaviours that are safe to ignore, while giving fast, specific attention to any glimpse of the calm behaviour you want. This flips the child’s reward system: instead of drama buying your gaze, calm earns it. 

Define the Boundaries Clearly 

Begin by deciding what you will ignore and what you will never ignore. 

• Ignore (Low-Level Bids): Eye-rolling, silly noises, mild whining, or clownish gestures that do not harm people or property. 

• Never Ignore (High-Level Bids): Safety risks, aggressive behaviour, disrespectful language, or damage to property. 

Your steady line must be: “I reward calm. I do not fuel noise.” 

Prepare the Ground Before You Use It 

Choose one behaviour to target for seven to ten days. Tell your child the new rule in simple terms: “I will not answer whining voices. I will respond to a calm voice.” 

• Practice the ‘calm voice’ together in a light moment so they know what wins. 

• Set up prompts to help you notice positives quickly: a sticky note saying “Catch calm,” or a quiet timer to remind you to scan for good behaviour. 

• Plan a neutral face and body. When the target behaviour appears, keep your gaze soft and your hands busy. If needed, step aside and breathe before you speak. 

The On-Off Switch: Ignore. Notice. Name. 

When the target behaviour starts, do not argue, correct, or threaten. Keep your voice off. 

• As soon as the child shows even a few seconds of calm, turn your attention on and name it specifically within three to five seconds: “You lowered your voice. Thank you. Now I can help.” 

• Specific, brief praise is the fuel. If the calm slips, turn your attention off again. Think of a light switch rather than a long lecture. 

Many parents find a 5:1 ratio helpful over a day: aim for five short notices of calm for every one correction you must give.² 

Scripts That Keep It Clean 

Use consistent scripts to ensure predictability, which lowers panic and reduces the need to perform: 

• During behaviour: [silent signal], look away, continue task. 

• The moment of calm: “There it is. Calm voice. Thank you.” 

• If it spikes again: [silent signal], attention off. 

• When calm returns: “Now we can carry on. What was your question in a calm voice?” 

When To Pause or Pivot 

Planned ignoring is for low-level bids, not genuine distress. If the child is dysregulated, hungry, tired, or ill, regulate first. 

• Offer water, a snack, two belly breaths, or a short reset in a calm corner, then resume the task. 

• Stop ignoring if the behaviour escalates or looks driven by anxiety rather than attention. In those cases, name the feeling and guide a regulation tool: “Your body feels buzzy. Squeeze the cushion and breathe. I will help when your voice is ready.” Safety and dignity always outrank strategy. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Islamic principles of wisdom, mercy, and maintaining dignity provide the foundation for using planned ignoring and swift praise effectively. This strategy is a practical way to manage the nafs (soul) of the child and the parent. 

Ayah: Turn Away from Ignorance. Hold to Good. 

This verse perfectly mirrors the logic of planned ignoring. You keep your heart soft by holding to forgiveness, you call the child toward what is right by enjoining good, and you turn away from the behaviour that tries to bait you into a contest. By not feeding minor provocation and by praising good swiftly, you are practising a Qur’anic balance of mercy and wisdom. Your calm attention becomes a compass back to right action. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Aa’raaf (7), Verse 199: 

‘(O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) adopt a forgiving approach, and encourage (the doing of) positive (moral) actions, and disregard those who are imbued in their ignorance.’ 

Hadith: A Good Word Is Charity 

Quick, specific praise is a ‘good word’ that counts as sadaqah (charity). Each time you say, “You lowered your voice. Thank you,” you give charity to your child’s heart and reinforce the path Islam prefers. You are not ignoring the child; you are ignoring the bait and rewarding the better self they are trying to find. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 1009, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘Charity is due upon every joint of a person each day the sun rises… enjoining good is charity… and a good word is charity.’ 

In time, your steady pattern teaches the child that dignity draws love faster than drama, and that the words that are noticed and remembered in this home are the words that uplift.