Parenting Perspective 

When a child discovers that a friend is using secrets to control them, they often feel trapped between the fear of exposure and the fear of losing the friendship. Start by clearly naming the dynamic: ‘This is not friendship. It is pressure.’ Naming the pattern helps to break the spell of confusion. Explain to your child that healthy friends keep confidence to protect you, not to manipulate you. The goal is to move your child from panic towards a plan that is calm, safe, and principled. 

Stabilise First, Then Set Boundaries 

Help your child to regulate their emotions before they act. Simple actions like slow breathing, drinking water, or taking a short walk can reset their nervous system, allowing them to choose wisely. Then, help them script a simple boundary that neither argues nor pleads: ‘I will not be controlled by secrets. Please do not bring this up again.’ If the friend presses the issue, teach a calm repeat: ‘I have answered.’ The objective is to establish a steady, firm boundary, not to engage in a debate. 

Reducing Leverage Without Retaliation 

Coach your child to stop feeding the dynamic. They should immediately share less private information with this friend and avoid reacting emotionally to threats. If the secret is harmless but embarrassing, consider ‘declawing’ it by telling a trusted adult or a wider, safe circle first. When a secret is already known in a respectful way, it loses its power as a weapon. If the secret involves safety, bullying, or misconduct, escalate the issue to the school’s safeguarding department immediately and keep dated notes of all incidents. 

Choosing Wise Responses, Not Counter-secrets 

Explain that counter-gossip and revenge only deepen the harm and toxicity. Instead, teach neutral phrases that close the conversation without any emotional heat: ‘I am not discussing this,’ or ‘I will not be part of spreading things.’ Practise the appropriate tone and posture: relaxed shoulders, an even voice, and short, direct sentences. Then, redirect their attention: ‘I am going to sit with others for group work today.’ Quietly diversifying their friendships reduces dependence on one controlling person and models self-respect. 

Rebuilding a Safe Social Base 

Encourage involvement in activities where kindness sets the tone, such as debate, sports, arts, or service clubs. Praise every act of truth and courage at home: ‘You handled that with dignity.’ Emphasise digital hygiene: private accounts, cautious sharing, taking screenshots of threats, and never sending material that could later be used against them. Your steady message should be: ‘Your worth is not held by anyone’s secret. Your dignity is yours to guard.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam treats secrets as a trust and unequivocally forbids using them to harm others. Manipulating someone with private information is a form of betrayal that severely corrodes the soul and the community’s trust. Teach your child that Allah Almighty is the Witness who honours truth, protects the vulnerable, and deeply dislikes tale-bearing. The believer’s path is to hold confidence with mercy, refuse to engage in gossip, and set boundaries when trust is clearly abused. 

The Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 12: 

‘Those of you who have believed, abstain as much as you can from cynical thinking (about one another); as some of that cynical thinking is a sin; and do not spy (on each other) and do not let some of you backbite against others…’ 

This guidance effectively closes the door on control that relies on spying, prying, and whisper networks. Encourage your child to live by this verse: do not collect secrets, do not trade them, and do not fear those who threaten to spread them. When we step away from suspicion and backbiting, manipulation loses its fuel source. 

The Words of the Holy Prophet ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 105a, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The tale-bearer shall not enter Paradise.’ 

This severe warning shows how destructive namimah (tale-bearing) is to hearts and relationships. Share with your child that refusing to pass on secrets is an act of worship, and that walking away from a manipulative exchange is not a sign of weakness but an act of ihsan (excellence). If someone has used their trust to control them, the prophetic way is to set a firm limit, seek necessary help, and keep one’s own tongue clean. 

Remind your child that honour is from Allah Almighty, not from people who trade in whispers. Each time they choose integrity over fear, they polish their heart and strengthen their voice. Make this du‘a together: ‘O Allah, make us truthful, protect our honour, and grant us friends who lift us towards You.’ In time, a heart anchored in truth naturally attracts companionship that is gentle, loyal, and safe.