Parenting Perspective 

When a child says that Islamic rules on modesty feel unfair, their frustration often comes from a place of social comparison. They see the differences between their lives and those of their peers, which can trigger feelings of isolation. Your first step is to validate this emotion. You want your child to feel heard, not lectured, so that the conversation can become a space for reflection, not argument. 

Acknowledge the Feeling First 

Start with empathy: ‘I can see you feel frustrated when you notice your friends doing things differently. It is normal to feel that way.’ When children feel that their emotions are acknowledged, they are far more likely to listen and engage in a dialogue rather than shutting down. This initial validation is about building a bridge of trust. 

Reframe ‘Fairness’ Through Your Values 

Introduce a gentle reframing of the word ‘fair’. You might say, ‘Fairness is not always about everyone doing the exact same thing. Sometimes, it is about each of us making choices that help us stay true to our values.’ Help them to see that the rules of modesty are intended to protect their dignity and strengthen their character. 

Encourage Practical Reflection 

Invite your child to reflect on different scenarios. This practice helps them to internalise the purpose behind the guidelines, so they can make choices out of conviction, not just obligation. Sharing a small story from your own life about a time you felt different but found strength in your values can make this concept more relatable and encourage their own quiet reflection. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that true dignity comes from aligning our actions with moral and spiritual principles, not from simply following the crowd. Helping a child to understand modesty as a personal shield of respect can empower them to navigate feelings of unfairness with patience and pride. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Noor (24), Verse 30: 

‘Say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) to the believing men to lower their gaze (upon forbidden things); and protect their private parts (with chastity); these actions shall help them (attain) piety; indeed, Allah (Almighty is All Cognisant of all of their actions.’ 

This verse frames modesty as a form of inner purification and protection. It highlights the beautiful reality that these guidelines are intended for the believer’s own benefit and peace of mind, not as arbitrary restrictions. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 9, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Faith is composed of more than sixty branches. And modesty is a branch of faith.’ 

This hadith directly links the practice of modesty (haya) to the core of belief, showing that following these guidelines strengthens one’s spiritual identity. When a child understands that modesty is an integral branch of the tree of faith, they can better appreciate its purpose, even when their peers act differently. 

By validating your child’s emotions and connecting their choices to a higher spiritual purpose, you can help them feel empowered rather than restricted. This approach reinforces that choosing the path of modesty is a conscious, dignified, and deeply respected act of faith.